Learning to Listen Instead of Immediately Trying to Problem Solve
When your partner or someone else you love is hurting, your natural instinct is to jump in and fix it. You offer advice, suggest solutions, or point out the silver lining because you care deeply and cannot stand to see them in pain.
However, this immediate problem-solving approach can unintentionally communicate that their emotions are inconvenient and need to be managed rather than understood. Learning to listen without fixing means shifting from being a mechanic to being a witness. In many cases, the connection itself becomes the solution.
Understanding the Righting Reflex
Motivational interviewing, a counseling method used to talk about changing behavior, calls this urge to fix the “righting reflex.” It is a biological response to discomfort that we feel when someone else is distressed. When someone near you is anxious or sad, your nervous system mirrors that state through emotional contagion. You try to solve their problem because resolving it would soothe your own discomfort.
When a person experiences emotional distress, their prefrontal cortex, the logic center of the brain, often goes offline. You then offering a logical solution in that moment speaks to a part of their brain that is neither currently, nor really even capable of listening. They need emotional regulation before they can handle cognitive problem-solving. By jumping straight to the “how-to,” you skip the “I hear you.” Validation lets someone know their feelings make sense. Without it, a person often feels lonelier, even if the advice was objectively helpful.
The Practice of Active Presence
Listening without fixing requires conversational tools that prioritize the other person’s experience over your own input. True listening is not waiting for your turn to speak. It is creating a space where the other person feels safe enough to explore their own thoughts. When a person is allowed to talk through their feelings without being interrupted by answers, they often find the solution themselves.
One effective way to avoid the fixing trap is to give the other person space to clarify whether they want to vent or receive help, allowing them to define what they need in that moment. Another useful approach is reflective listening, which involves restating what you have heard in your own words. By acknowledging their feelings and summarizing their experience, you show that you are fully present and genuinely engaged with what they are going through.
Building Deeper Connection Through Restraint
The long-term benefit of resisting the urge to fix is deeper trust in your relationships. When a partner, friend, or family member knows they can come to you with their mess and not be met with a lecture or immediate solutions, the relationship becomes a secure base. Sometimes, the best thing you can say is nothing at all. Sitting in silence with someone allows them to process their emotions at their own pace.
When you constantly solve problems for others, you inadvertently signal that you do not think they can do it themselves. By listening and validating, you empower them to trust their own problem-solving abilities. Learning to listen instead of fix is a muscle that must be trained. It requires you to get comfortable with the unsolved and to realize that sometimes, the greatest gift you can give someone is not an answer. Rather, it is the feeling of being truly seen and heard.
If you are finding it difficult to break the pattern of immediately problem-solving in your relationships, therapy, including couples therapy if you’re in a romantic relationship, can help you develop these skills and explore what drives your need to fix. Contact me to schedule a consultation and begin building deeper, more connected relationships.
